By Philip Chanin, Ed.D., ABPP, CGP
Board Certified Clinical Psychologist
Assistant Clinical Professor, Department of Psychiatry
Vanderbilt University Medical Center
www.drphilchanin.com
philchanin@gmail.com

“Whether it is better for children to have divorced parents or unhappy parents depends primarily on the level of open conflict in the home.  Decades of developmental research indicate that high-conflict unhappy marriages cause more psychological harm to children than a cooperative, low-conflict divorce.” (Institute for Family Studies)

“When an unhappy marriage involves frequent yelling, hostility, or emotional toxicity, staying together damages children.  It exposes them to chronic toxic stress, which disrupts brain development and causes long-term emotional problems.  In these cases, divorce brings relief and a safer emotional environment.” (Freed Marcroft LLC)

“Experts stress that the impact of a divorce depends on how the parents handle the transition.   Children thrive best when separated parents shield them from adult disputes, maintain strong relationships with both parents, and establish consistent routines across housholds.” (ParentData by Emily Oster)

As I psychotherapist and as a couples’ therapist, I am often talking with individuals and couples who are weighing the pros and cons of staying in their difficult marriages.  Invariably they are worried about the potential impact of a divorce on their children.  Terrence Real, in his book The New Rules of Marriage offers a very nuanced perspective:

Real addresses the most profound question for troubled couples: “What’s best for your children?”  He writes, “We are living in very conservative times, and a lot of emphasis has been put on preserving families at all cost.  That’s simply unreasonable.  Yes, children are damaged by divorce.  There’s no question about that.  The real question is, how damaged are they by staying in miserable homes?…As bad as divorce is, a child would be better off without the exposure to yelling and fighting and a blatantly disturbed environment.  Few people argue that point.”

“So now the question ratchets down to this: How damaged do children get in homes with a miserable marriage that is more contained?  Many would argue that children are better off in such environments than with divorced parents.  As a family therapist, I must say that I’m skeptical…It’s not at all clear to me that the so-called contained or hidden misery in nonexplosive marriages is really as hidden as we might like to think.”  (pp. 268-269)

Real continues, “Even if you were to convince me that children in such homes were less damaged in general, I will nevertheless guarantee you that they will sustain considerable damage when it comes to having healthy relationships of their own in the future.  Almost every troubled relationship I have ever worked with was a replay of some aspect of the troubled relationship each partner grew up with.”

“Even if it were proven somehow that children are more damaged through divorce than through remaining in homes with unhappy marriages, it is not at all clear to me that the moral imperative is for adults to sacrifice living healthy lives for the sake of their children.  I have helped unhappy couples break up; I also have helped them stay together precisely for the sake of the children.”  (pp. 269-270)

Real writes, “In extreme circumstances, the choice seems clear.  In less blatant situations I mistrust anyone, frankly, who claims to be able to tell you what’s best for your children, or for either of you for that matter.  You must decide.  Think long and hard; talk it out with those you trust, and listen to what you feel.  In the end, most of the people I’ve encountered over the years who have been through this decision rarely speak about what they should have done, one way or the other.  They speak about what they felt they had to do.”  (p. 270)

Next Real asks, “When should you pull the plug?”  He writes, “It serves no one’s interests to preserve endlessly toxic interactions.  Addicts and abusive partners can be helped, and the first step should always be an ultimatum:  Get treatment or else!  But if someone simply refuses, or if he won’t allow his treatment to be effective, I don’t think there’s much choice.”

“I firmly believe that any two partners who love each other and who are willing to do the work can transform even a terrible relationship into a good one, and even into a great one over time.  Once both partners are at the table in good faith, anything can be worked out.  The one thing that cannot be worked out, however, is getting both partners to the table.  They have to take their places themselves.  That doesn’t mean that pressure can’t be exerted.  On the contrary, it absolutely should, and depending on how bad things are, as much pressure as is reasonably possible.”  (pp. 270-271)

In his most recent book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, Real again addresses the issue of the impact of marital conflict on the children in the home.  He writes:

“I take a moment to explain the concept of witness abuse.  ‘Children have no boundaries,’ I tell Darlene.  ‘They’re wide-open systems.  When (your daughter) hears you scream at William, it goes into her as if you were screaming at her…We have a lot of options.  You can take a time-out.  You can do an anger management course.  You can try a little medication…Thirty days,’ I tell her.  ‘You have thirty days to stop this, or one of you has to move out for awhile…As we speak, you are traumatizing (your daughter).  She’s my priority, to be honest.’”  (pp. 129-130)

In summary, the decision to divorce is never easy when children are involved.  Some clinicians argue that children are better off staying in low-conflict homes than they would be going through a divorce.  Clearly Terrence Real challenges this belief.  Research has shown that children generally adjust well to divorce if the parents actively minimize conflict, maintain consistent routines, and if the parents foster the children’s strong bonds with both parents.

While most children of divorced parents are resilient and grow up without major psychological issues, the transition does act as a major life stressor.  The impacts span several areas of a child’s life:

Short-Term Emotional Distress:  1) Internalizing Symptoms: Children frequently experience sadness, anxiety, and a fear of abandonment; 2) Guilt: Younger children often egocentrically believe that they caused the parental split; 3) Behavioral Changes: Some children respond with aggression, rebellion, or social withdrawal.

Long-Term and Academic Impact: 1) Drop in Household Resources: Splitting one household into two typically causes a sharp decline in available income.  This can reduce investments in education, healthcare, and extracurriculars; 2) Academic Decline: The distraction and stress of changing family dynamics can lead to lower grades and decreased motivation in school;

3) Residential Instability: Roughly 35% of children move addresses during the year of a divorce, which often forces them to switch schools and leave friends behind.

Adulthood Effects: 1) Children of divorce face a slightly higher statistical risk of experiencing family instability or getting a divorce in their own adult lives; 2) Models of Relationships: Seeing parents split up or stay together in misery sets the child’s internal baseline for what is “normal” in intimate relationships.

I spent four years as a staff psychologist at an alcohol and drug inpatient treatment center in Spofford, New Hampshire.  The hospital had an adolescent unit.  I observed that so many of the adolescents had undergone a parental divorce when they were ages 12, 13, or 14.  My hypothesis was that during these critical developmental years, they had parents who were so preoccupied with what they were going through that there was little attention being paid to the children, who were as a result at high risk for becoming deeply involved with alcohol, marijuana, or other drugs, to such an extent that they ended up in the hospital.