“You will always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there’s a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global—it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality. ‘I’m really angry that you didn’t sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we’d take turns doing it’ is a complaint. ‘Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care’ is a criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but a criticism ups the ante by throwing in blame and general character assassination. Here’s a recipe: To turn any complaint into a criticism, just add my favorite line: ‘What is wrong with you?’” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, pp. 27-28)

“A complaint is not a request. Moving partners from complaint to request is often a huge leap toward furthering their capacity for repair. I call complaint a negative past focus. It tells your partner what you didn’t like about what he has done. Request, by contrast, represents a positive future focus. Instead of trying to satisfy your desires by criticizing what you did not get, you ask, simply and directly, for what you want.” (How Can I Get Through to You: Reconnecting Men and Women by Terrence Real, p. 248)

“I can’t tell you how many women I’ve heard say, over the years, ‘If I have to tell him, it doesn’t count.’ Well, I’d like you to look around and ask yourself how spontaneity seems to be working…Most people of either sex do not want to do the hard work of sitting down, clearly identifying their relational needs, figuring out how best to ask for them, going after them, and then, if the first attempt fails, regrouping, rethinking, and trying again. What both sexes seem to do equally well and remarkably well is complain.” (The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work by Terrence Real, p. 166)

John Gottman and Terrence Real articulate very different perspectives on the issue of complaining in marital relationships. Gottman does not see a problem with complaints. His issue is when a complaint becomes a criticism by adding some version of “What’s wrong with you?” Terrence Real takes a much more critical stance regarding complaints. He sees them as quite problematic and destructive of efforts to get one’s partner to behave differently. In The New Rules of Marriage he writes:

“Instead of using assertion, both men and women seem to subscribe to the truly nutty idea that an effective strategy for getting more of what you want from your partner is to complain about not getting it after the fact…Here’s the real deal on complaint. It is such an utterly contorted way of trying to get more of your needs met that I’m tempted to call it perverse. Complaint is double negative thinking. Instead of saying, ‘I’d be really happy if I could have more of this positive thing,’ you try to get more of something you want by saying, ‘I would have been happy if only you hadn’t engaged in that negative thing.’” (pp. 166-167)

Real suggests an alternative strategy: “Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, discipline yourself—and it does take discipline—to focus on what he could do now or later that would be right. You shift from negative/past focus to a positive/future focus…remember this phrase: Don’t criticize, ask!” Next Real asks, “Why does asking for what you want feel so uncomfortable?”

He responds, “As crazy as it might seem, complaining, arguing, and even getting downright nasty actually feels safer to most of us than simply and directly making a request…there is not one but three reasons why you may be squeamish about making requests: 1) You must own your right to have wants and needs; 2) You risk possible disappointment or rejection; 3) You risk shaking up your relationship…If the essence of traditional masculinity is invulnerability, the essence of traditional femininity is selfless service to others. (pp. 168-169)

Real continues, “Complaining in your relationship is a form of pseudo-pursuit. If you listen to the content of your complaint, it sounds as though you’re trying to connect. But if you attend more closely, solution is rarely what’s on your mind, while being right, control, unbridled self-expression, or retaliation are very much on your mind. Complaint is just the flip side of acquiescence. It is personal empowerment’s clarion call. And it works no more effectively than acquiescence does.” (p. 169)

Real believes that “One of the great paradoxes of intimacy is that in order to have a healthy passionate relationship, you must be willing to risk it…You cannot sustain a great relationship without taking risks. Too many of us are afraid of rocking the boat. We’re frightened of staying as truthfully engaged as we deserve to be because experience has shown us that asserting our wants and needs simply hasn’t worked. And so we ‘compromise,’ trying to make peace with what we see as our partner’s limitations. This common outcome woefully sells short both you and your partner.” (p. 171)

Real again asks, “Why is the shift from complaint to request so important? He responds, “Because it’s the only way you will ever get your needs met. You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.” Real gives an example of the shift from negative/past to positive/future—the shift from “I just hate it when you talk to me like that!” to “I’m not speaking disrespectfully to you. Would you please do the same?” Real adds, “As a strategy for helping your partner change (complaining) doesn’t work. Criticizing what your partner has done wrong rarely engenders an attitude of increased generosity.”

“Complaint doesn’t 1) Identify what it is that you want; 2) Express what you want in a way that your partner can understand; 3) Help break down your request into actionable behaviors that your partner can accomplish; 4) Appreciate his willingness to try; 5) Reassure him that sincere attempts, even if imperfect, will be valued; 6) Motivate him; and 7) Make talking to you about your relationship something he’ll look forward to.” (pp. 171-173)

Real continues, “Most men don’t expect this particular discussion to be either constructive or a whole lot of fun. What they anticipate, and not without reason, is that they’ll find themselves on the receiving end of an extended, overheated, one-sided ration of…complaint…If I were allowed to offer only one piece of advice, this would be the one rule I would choose: Great relationships mean more assertion up front and less resentment on the back end.” (pp. 173-174)

Real encourages, “If you want to be happy, then do whatever you reasonably can to keep your partner happy. And if you want something more or different in your relationship, do what you reasonably can to facilitate that happening; get down off your high horse and help out. Of all the rules in the practice of relationship empowerment, the one that sums up the essence of this new orientation comes in the form of a question. ‘What do you need from me so that I can help you give me what I want?”

In the practice section for Chapter Six, Real recommends: “Experiment with a complaint-free ten days. Hold a ten-day moratorium on all complaints, large and small. Do your best to deal with issues as they come up by focusing exclusively on what you’d like to see happen. See if you can say what you need to without resorting to the past—even the past two minutes…to yourself, say it first the way you normally might. Then rephrase it in your head until you feel ready to try it out loud.”

“For one week, work with two of your wants. The two things you’re after, such as more talking or greater punctuality, should be fairly bite-sized, not the biggest issues you face. See if and how well you can grow more of the behaviors you’d like using only these two practices: 1) Appreciating anything your partner does, or has ever done in the past, that gives or gave you some of what you’re after; and 2) making requests (as opposed to complaints).” (pp. 202-203)

Every day in my office I am working with couples to try to help them make this shift from complaint to request. It’s remarkable how hard it is for couples to stop leveling complaints at each other and instead focus on what they want from each other. For most couples, complaining about what one’s partner has done in the past is an almost knee-jerk reaction. As I quoted earlier from Terrence Real, “Moving partners from complaint to request is often a huge leap toward furthering their capacity for repair.” (p. 248)