By Philip Chanin, Ed.D, ABPP, CGP
Board Certified Clinical Psychologist
Assistant Clinical Professor, Department of Psychiatry
Vanderbilt University Medical Center
www.drphilchanin.com
philchanin@gmail.com

“A common compensation for shame, of feeling less than, is a subtle or flagrant flight into grandiosity, or feeling better than…the ‘narcissistic defense’ of using grandiosity to ward off shame…Grandiose behavior is a defense against images of the self as worthless and inferior…The flight from shame to grandiosity lies at the heart of covert male depression.” (I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real, pp. 55-56)

 “It is this unacknowledged superimposition of grandiosity on shame, this burying of hurt boy inside hurting man, the sweet vulnerable self, wrapped in the armor of denial, walled off behind business, work, drink, or rage, the hidden ‘feminine’ inside the bluff ‘masculine,’ that is the truth about men which dare not be uttered.  And why must it remain unspoken?  Because women and children fear triggering either extreme grandiosity or shame in the men they have depended upon.” (How Can I Get Through to You: Reconnecting Men and Women, by Terrence Real, p. 95)

In all four of his books, Terry Real addresses the grandiosity-shame dynamic.  In Chapter 6 of How Can I Get Through to You, he explains how this toxic dynamic plays out in many marriages.  He writes, “But Will avoids such feelings of vulnerability.  He disowns the wounded boy inside, wrapping that small self in a large cloak of coldness and rage.  Encountering such reactions, most women freeze.  A further escalation of either state in the man bodes no good.”

“If the man’s grandiosity intensifies, so, too, will his irresponsible behaviors; in Will’s case, his aggression.  If the shame escalates, women fear that the man will ‘fall apart,’ that a lifetime’s worth of suppressed pain will flood him, overwhelming him.  Grandiosity pushed to extremes ends in homicide, shame in suicide.  Both states are potentially lethal.  This double-edged threat stops the truth in a woman’s mouth.  Afraid of being hurt, afraid of hurting someone she loves, she backs down.  Caretaking is, after all, her mandate, her primary training since birth.” (p. 99)

In Chapter 7, Real elaborates on his approach: “My therapeutic strategy is quite simple.  I take Echo (the voiceless female lover of Narcissus in Greek mythology) by the hand and bid her to speak.  The ‘return of the repressed’ is the reemergence of her lost voice.  Together, we place ourselves between Narcissus and his addiction/entitlement, the false god of his solace that stands in—poorly—for self-esteem and connection.  Why do I throw my weight behind Echo?  Because, by and large, I trust her to tell us the truth.  In crediting what she says, I break one of therapy’s cardinal rules. I take sides.” (p. 118)

Real concludes Chapter 7 by returning to the grandiosity-shame dynamic: “Grandiosity, like intoxication, impairs judgment.  If you’re in the one-down shame state—which is where most women are, overtly—at least you know it.  It feels uncomfortable and you have a natural impulse to get out of it.  But one of the insidious things about the flight from shame to grandiosity—which is where many men go—is that it doesn’t feel bad.  In fact, it often feels pretty good.”

“While it can be argued that conventional therapy is reasonably effective in treating issues related to shame, my experience with men has convinced me that most therapy utterly misses the boat when it comes to issues of grandiosity…Grandiose states…represent a kind of empathy deficiency toward others; what is missing is a capacity to sufficiently cherish those around us.  In such instances, supplying empathy toward the client, while necessary, is not sufficient.  More to the point is helping the client regain sensitivity to his impact on others.” (pp. 131-132)

In his third book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, Real continues his discussion of the grandiosity-shame dynamic.  He writes, “Healthy self-esteem requires an appropriate amount of shame.  Too much shame pulls you into a ‘one-down’ position, engendering feelings of inferiority.  But too little shame pulls you into a ‘one-up’ position, engendering feelings of superiority.  Both states are unhealthy, and both need correction before effective work on your relationship can take hold…If we want to move into true and abiding intimacy, we must deal with both self-esteem issues, going one-down and one-up.  Because every single one of us does both.”  (pp. 139-140)

In describing grandiosity, Real states, “While toxic shame and grandiosity are both self-esteem disorders, there are two key differences that you should appreciate:  Grandiosity feels good.  Grandiosity impairs judgment…In your attempts to deal in a healthy way with a grandiose partner, and in your attempts to deal in a healthy way with your own grandiosity, virtually all of the techniques that help with shame are completely ineffective.”  (p. 141)

In Real’s approach “Grandiosity makes you oblivious…grandiosity always involves a blunted sensitivity to the effects of your behavior on others, to your action’s potential consequences.  This is why traditional, nurturing therapy is largely irrelevant to people struggling with grandiosity…Relational sensitivity and good judgment are the missing ingredients the grandiose person needs to develop…Shame-filled people have pain.  Grandiose people have troubles.  The conflict is not inside them, but between them and their environment.  They’re not in pain; the people around them are in pain.”  (p. 142)

Real continues, “Here’s the real deal on grandiosity.  It can be dangerous to your health, sometimes even lethal.  It destroys intimacy.  It destroys love.  Every shameless act—every offense, crime, injury, willful violation—is committed by someone in a state of grandiosity. Why do you want to practice coming down from the high of grandiosity?  Because it’s the only way you will ever be happy.  I call grandiosity the poisoned privilege.”  (p. 145)

Real believes that “The violence that occurs between you and others is always fueled by grandiosity.  And the violence that occurs between you and you, the voice of that harsh critical chorus we carry inside, is shame.  Being in a shame state means that you’re holding yourself in contempt.  And being in a state of grandiosity means that you’re holding others in contempt.”

“Shame and grandiosity, being one-up or one-down, are not primarily opposite emotions.  They are the same emotion pointed in different directions…When the beam of contempt swings inward, we call that shame.  When the beam points out at those around you, we call that grandiosity…Relationship empowerment means stepping off the contempt conveyor belt, as it carries you toward either direction.”  (pp. 145-146)

Real’s most recent book is entitled US: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.  He returns to his discussion of grandiosity. Real takes traditional psychotherapy to task: “One thing that distinguishes Relational Life Therapy from other forms of therapy is the attention it pays to grandiosity in partners.  For well over fifty years, psychotherapy has struggled mightily to help people rise above their feelings of inferiority and shame.  But what about the other self-esteem disorder?”  

“So far, we’ve done a terrible job at helping people get over their sense of superiority and grandiosity.  Superiority and grandiosity are flip sides of the same coin; most people have both disorders…Research shows that about half of all people classed as narcissistic are driven by inward shame.  The other half simply think that they are better than everyone else.”  (pp. 71-72)

Chapter 4 is entitled “The Individualist at Home.”  Here he is interested in confronting grandiosity in both men and women: “Generally speaking, grandiose women are even more difficult to treat than grandiose men.  Not always, but quite often, grandiose women have advanced degrees in offending from the victim position: ‘You hurt me, so I have no shame or compunction about hurting you twice as hard back because, after all, I’m your victim.’  Grandiose women often inhabit the role of angry victim, a righteously indignant avenging angel.”  (p. 87)

Real continues, “I often confront grandiose men pretty directly.  ‘You’re a verbal abuser,’ I might say.  ‘Yelling, screaming, shaming someone.  Those are all forms of verbal abuse.  What’s it like to hear that?’  But with a woman, I tend to be less direct.  Remember, any fool can clobber their client with the truth.  But a therapist who joins through the truth takes the client along, helps them see where they’ve veered off track.  In order to accept the therapist’s confrontation, the client must feel that they are on their side.  That’s what joining with them means.  And the best way a therapist can help a grandiose woman client feel heard is to prove their usefulness by taking on her partner.”  (pp. 87-88)

Chapter 6 is entitled “You Cannot Love from Above or Below.”  Here he returns to his emphasis on addressing grandiosity: “Here’s a few things to know about grandiosity and, in particular, about the difference between grandiosity and shame.  First of all, they are both lies; they are purely delusional.  One human being cannot be fundamentally superior or inferior to another.  Not fundamentally.  Whether you’re a serial killer or a saint, Mahatma Gandhi or a homeless alcoholic, all people have equal essential value, worth, and dignity.  Your essential worth comes from the inside out; it can’t be earned or unearned.  It is yours at birth, and it’s yours unto death.”  (pp. 143-144)

Real describes the toll that a violent, grandiose father has on his son: “We all marry our unfinished business.  We all marry our mothers and fathers.  And in our closest relationships, we become our mothers and fathers…Bruce was also being spoon-fed a message: ‘When you grow up and become a man, you get to indulge yourself the way I do.’”  

“Bruce was simultaneously overtly disempowered, which led to his underlying issues of great shame, and covertly falsely empowered, which led to his grandiosity, his sexual entitlement, cruelty, and attacks.  Bruce’s shame was hidden, tucked inside his drinking and acting out…Consciously, Bruce despised his wretched father, but unconsciously he joined him, lived in the same world his father inhabited.  I call this keeping a parent spiritual company.”  (p. 149)

Real continues his understanding of Bruce’s grandiosity: “Leaving the grandiose relational stance behind often means separating from the early relationship in which the stance was embedded.  Bruce was enmeshed with his father…You can always tell if a client is enmeshed with a parent because they report that, as a child, they felt sorry for the parent.  ‘Children aren’t supposed to feel sorry for their parents,’ I tell Bruce.  ‘Parents are supposed to be big enough to take care of themselves.’  The open secret among therapists is that when you’re in a grandiose state, half the time you don’t realize it, and even when you do, it doesn’t feel bad.  In fact, in the moment, it feels pretty good…It feels good, but it just may ruin your life.”  (p. 153)

Real continues, “You have to think yourself down from grandiosity…You have to reach past the short-term hit of pleasure, for the sake of that longer-term, deeper pleasure called your family, or connection, or health.  For your sake.  Coming down from the one-up of grandiosity is a capital investment in your own long-term happiness.  Do it for your family certainly.  But even more, do it for you.  I tell the grandiose men like Bruce that entitled privilege is like a knife that’s all blade—it cuts the hand that wields it.”  (pp. 153-154)

As a psychotherapist, I certainly work with many patients who are dealing with deep shame and low self-esteem.  From time to time I also see grandiose patients, who are harder to treat.  It’s a challenging therapeutic task to help them develop empathy toward the people they claim to love.  I need to show them how developing empathy can actually enrich their lives.  

I’m thinking of a couple whom I currently treat, in which the husband is constantly critical and demanding of his wife.  In every session I am challenging him.  I frequently quote Terry Real, from The New Rules of Marriage, when I am working with him.  Real states, “Unless you’re someone’s boss, therapist, or advisor, you have no right to tell another grown person what he or she needs to do.  That’s intrusive.”  We have been making progress, but I see how hard it is for this man to come down from his grandiose position and actually be a thoughtful and empathic partner.