According to the Gottman Institute, many couples wait an average of six years before seeking counseling for their unresolved conflicts or general unhappiness. Yes, six years. And why wait so long when couples therapy has been proven to help 70% of those relationships?

On the other hand, it is also worth noting that conflict is not the only reason couples pursue marriage counseling. In fact, unlike years’ past when marriage counseling was the last-ditch effort before a divorce, it is no longer uncommon for couples to seek out a counselor to simply nurture their current, happy relationship.

Maybe part of the issue is not knowing at what point marriage counseling is the natural next step for your relationship.  The following are signs it’s a good time to pursue marriage counseling:  

1. You Can Name the Issue
2. You Can’t Put Your Finger on It
3. You Say Whatever Comes to Mind
4. You Want to Grow Closer

Looking for couples therapy and marriage counseling in Nashville, TN? Learn more about Dr. Phil Chanin.

You Can Name the Issue

According to Business Insider, couples of all kinds struggle with similar issues – regardless of how long they have been married. A few of the usual sources of conflict include: addictions, communication, division of labor, infidelity, family of origin issues, jealousy, money, and parenting.

If you are experiencing conflict in your relationship (even occasionally) and can name the issue, consider marriage counseling. Tiptoeing around, withdrawing from, and feeling contempt toward your spouse puts your relationship at risk the longer the issues go unresolved.

You Can’t Put Your Finger on It

Perhaps you are puzzled as to why you are feeling disconnected from or experiencing conflict with your partner. If there was no clear event or reason that seemed to cause this shift in your relationship, you might want to investigate whether you have all the facts or are simply not meeting one another’s primary needs.

Examining one another’s unique emotional needs might be a good place to start in marriage counseling; there are 10 primary emotional needs, but do you know yours, or your partner’s? Psychotherapist Terrence Real, for example, found that wives who had not pushed hard enough for their husband to meet their needs had gradually become bitter and resentful over 10, 15, or 20 years’ time because they feared triggering their husbands’ anger and shame.

You Say Whatever Comes to Mind

While communication is key in relationships, as is honesty, there is a point where what you say and how you say it can cross-over into territory that is unproductive, disrespectful, and even emotionally abusive. Especially in moments of anger, the intent and nature of what you – or your partner – is saying could actually be harming your relationship.

This is why it’s important to have healthy boundaries in your communication with your spouse. Are there certain topics of discussion that don’t benefit your relationship? Or, if things are getting heated, are you able to stop yourself from saying more hurtful things? A marriage counselor can help you recognize any problematic or violent communication patterns and develop appropriate boundaries; time-outs are a great example of a boundary for when you need a moment to cool-off.

You Want to Grow Closer

Maybe you have no qualms with your partner. That is great, obviously! But that does not mean there is no room for improvement and exploration in your relationship. If you want to grow closer to your partner, investing in your emotional intimacy as a couple is a great next step. It is actually foundational to your relationship, not only for your sense of support and security but also for your overall satisfaction.

Imago therapy, for example, is a form of therapy where a marriage counselor helps you approach your romantic relationship as an opportunity to grow and heal – together – from past frustrations, hurts, and unmet longings. Through relational counseling, you and your partner examine how you brought your pasts into your relationship, and listen to how you unconsciously help meet those needs for companionship, love, and other unconscious hopes.

Choose Marriage Counseling in Nashville

Successful couples therapy, or marriage counseling, is often the result of each person feeling more heard by their partner.

Dr. Phil Chanin is a licensed clinical psychologist and buddhist psychotherapist in Nashville, Tennessee, who specializes in couples therapy informed by Harville Hendrix, Terrence Real, John Gottman, Ellyn Bader, David Schnarch, and Esther Perel. Learn more and contact Dr. Phil today.