Young Love, Brief Marriage, Early Divorce:

Reflections on the Concept of “Starter Marriage”

By Philip Chanin, Ed.D, ABPP, CGP

Board Certified Clinical Psychologist

Assistant Clinical Professor, Department of Psychiatry

Vanderbilt University Medical Center

www.drphilchanin.com

philchanin@gmail.com

An article in The New York Times on July 7, 1994, discusses the provocative concept of the “Starter Marriage.”  The article begins with the following vignette: “Tim Barnard married when he was 25, fresh out of graduate school.  His wife was a 21-year-old college student.  ‘At that age,’ recalled Mr. Barnard, now 36, ‘I didn’t comprehend what it took to stay in a long-lasting relationship.  It seemed that if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re committed to another person, the next logical step is to get married.’”

“Four years later, they were divorced.  He got the credit-card debt and she got the washer and dryer.  Mr. Barnard’s marriage was typical of the many brief, early marriages that end in divorce by age 30, with no children and little more joint property than wedding gifts and a stereo.  While couples in these marriages do not wed with the intention of divorcing, their temporary stay in marriage is much like the starter home of a generation ago, shed as the family outgrew it.”

The article quotes Dr. Constance Ahrons, professor of sociology at UCLA and associate director of its marriage and family therapy doctoral program, as saying, “The idea of a starter marriage is a fascinating one.  These marriages are very common, but they are not given much credibility.  One must file divorce papers, but it doesn’t carry with it any societal concerns, which are really concerns about children or amassed property.  Society says, ‘Well, who cares?’”

The article continues, “Marriage and family experts—psychologists, sociologists, lawyers, and clergy—are beginning to look at these brief young unions, seeing in their implications a barometer of society’s attitudes about marriage and divorce.  Some…have begun to rethink the whole notion of early, pre-children marriages, suggesting that it may be time to lessen the legal and social burdens of divorce for couples at this stage.”

“There is a debate about how much people should pay in brief marriages without children.  Margaret Mead recommended in the 1960’s that such unions be codified as ‘trial marriages.’  Believing that it is the presence of children that should render a marriage lifelong, Ms. Mead described an alternative relationship that would last for a finite period, whereupon the couple would decide whether to have children and enter what she viewed as the more permanent stage of matrimony—or not.”

The article quotes Erica Jong, who fictionalized her own starter marriage in her 1973 novel, Fear of Flying, as saying, “’Why not acknowledge that many people do have trial marriages in their 20’s, which sometimes grow into deeper commitments and sometimes don’t.  I think it would be a great relief to many people.’”

The article also quotes Dr. Anna Beth Benningfield, president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, a professional organization of therapists, as saying, “’All marriages go through stages of evaluation, typically in the first year or two and again after seven years or so.  At these junctures, the challenges of one’s 20’s–living independently for the first time, beginning a career—can strain a marriage to the breaking point.’”

 “’They discover in their late 20’s the person they thought they married is not the person they’re married to.  A lot of adult development goes on in the 20’s, and they truly may be a different person now.’”

Mr. Barnard, whose situation was described at the beginning of this article, is quoted as saying,
“’I was fairly in the dark about who I was.  When you’re young, you’re just beginning to find out who you are as a person.  You compound that with trying to find out who you are in relation to someone else, and it’s like an algorithm.  It complicates things several times over.’”  Samuel Kahn, aged 67, a child psychologist, speaking of his own starter marriage, stated, “’You learn what you want and what you don’t want, and I married much more successfully the second time around.  I knew what I was doing.’”

                                A Case Study

Recently a 34-year-old patient came to see me for psychotherapy.  He has been married for 9 and ½ years.  I will call him and his wife David and Becky, to protect their confidentiality.  They began dating at age 23 or 24, and married at age 25.  They do not have children.  In his first session, I asked David about his marriage.  He responded, “Ups and downs.  The worst I’ve ever felt is with her.  If she feels negatively, she lashes out at me.  She doesn’t see things from other people’s perspective, or from my perspective.”

In his second session, he elaborated on his feelings about his wife and their marriage: “I’d be happier alone or with someone else.  We get along fine most of the time.  She has a hard time with someone having a different opinion—it’s an affront to her.  I walk on eggshells—she’s easily offended.  So I’ll try to do something that she enjoys. She doesn’t care about ‘big questions.’  Our values are misaligned.  I harbor resentment.  She’s not working as hard as I am to make things go more smoothly.  She can be close minded.”

David continued, “After five or six years of marriage we tried marriage counseling.  At that time I had decided that I didn’t want this relationship anymore.  She would say, ‘I’m not sure that I ever loved you.’  The marriage counseling wasn’t helpful.  She would be sour and depressed before the sessions.  She told me, ‘I don’t like going to couples therapy with you.’  She thought that I was misrepresenting her in the sessions.”

In his third session, David continue to talk about his marital unhappiness: “I’m resenting my partner a lot more—I can’t be fully open.  It’s easy to get into a fight.  It’s contentious.  We’re getting on each other’s nerves.  We aren’t doing things together.  She stresses if I’m outside for 30 minutes without sunscreen.  I’m afraid to tell her things.  She gets her worldview from social media.”

During this session I decided to give David my marital satisfaction questionnaire.  There are 12 questions, and the patient is asked to give a score between “1” not pleased and “10” very pleased.  To the statements “The amount of pride and respect you have for your spouse” and “The way your spouse manages money,” David scored his wife only a “2”.  To the questions “The amount of time we relate to each other,” “The friends we share in common,” “Our sex life,” “Our leisure time together,” “Your spouse’s outlook on life,” and “The way your spouse relates to members of her family,” David gave only a score of ‘3”.  He voiced surprise at how low he scored these items.

When I met with David for his fifth session, he said to me that he had told his wife, “I want a divorce.”  He elaborated, “She was pretty stunned.  She disagreed—she wants me to reconsider.  She’s owning up to her ‘mistakes.’  She tried to convince me not to leave.”  In his sixth and most recent session, David told me that he and Becky had met with a financial divorce specialist whom I had recommended to him.  He added, “Becky doesn’t want it to happen.  She understands that if I’m set on it, it has to happen.  She hopes I’ll reconsider.  But our conversations are emotionally tumultuous.”

I would suggest that David and Becky’s relationship qualifies as a “Starter Marriage,” even though they are past the age of 30 referenced earlier in this article.  They have no children, and no property other than their home.  Clearly their marriage has not turned out as they may have hoped.

The New York Times article concludes, “Some argue for more acceptability of divorce, by reducing the legal steps and striking the term ‘failed marriage’ from our social lexicon.”  Dr. Ahrons, quoted earlier in this article, stated, “’Statistically, divorce is normal.  But we still want to talk about it as deviant because we don’t want to be perceived as promoting divorce.  We still don’t say, ‘Yes, there are starter marriages.’  We need to know and talk about this in the next decade.’”