“In a nutshell, self-differentiation means the capacity of a family member to define his or her own life goals and values apart from the surrounding ‘togetherness’ pressures, to say ‘I’ when others are demanding ‘you’ and ‘we.’  It’s the ability to firmly and gently stand up and be who we are while staying connected to those around us.  It includes the capacity to maintain a (relatively) non-anxious, non-reactive presence in the midst of anxious situations.  It involves taking maximum responsibility for one’s own destiny and emotional being.  It can be measured somewhat by the breadth of one’s repertoire of responses when confronted with change, a crisis, or a threat…The concept should not be confused with self-sufficiency or egoism, however.  Differentiation means the capacity to be an ‘I’ while remaining connected.  It cannot be achieved by avoiding others or avoiding relationships.  (“The Concept of Self-Differentiation,” by Jamie Kyne, Ph.D., adapted from Edwin H. Friedman’s text:  Generation to Generation:  Family Process in Church and Synagogue, The Guilford Press, 1985, p. 1)

In psychology, differentiation is the process of becoming an individual with a distinct sense of self, separate from the influence of others, while still being able to maintain close, intimate relationships.  It involves the ability to manage one’s own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors independently, even when facing emotional pressure or conflict from others.  High differentiation allows for greater emotional autonomy and confidence, whereas low differentiation can lead to enmeshment or a lack of personal identity in relationships.

The goal is to find a healthy balance between being an individual and being connected to others.  This means you can be in a close relationship without becoming so fused with your partner that you lose your sense of self.  You have the capacity to understand and regulate your own emotional responses without being excessively reactive to the emotions of others.  This involves having your own thoughts, beliefs, and values, and being able to hold them even if they differ from those of your family or friends.  Increasing levels of differentiation are often seen as a sign of psychological maturity.  Immature individuals may either adopt the views of their group, in order to feel included, or else distance themselves from others in order to have their own thoughts, lacking the ability to be close to those with whom they disagree.

A high level of differentiation is crucial for long-term, healthy relationships.  It allows for intimacy without fear of being engulfed by the other person or abandoned.  It fosters increased self-confidence, personal growth, and a more congruent sense of self.  Being able to differentiate allows for conflicts to be seen as opportunities for growth rather than as threats to the relationship.  Individuals can discuss disagreements honestly without rejecting the other person’s differing perspective.  Differentiation helps individuals to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, rather than looking to others to provide them.

Murry Bowen, MD, the internationally recognized father of family systems theory, grew up in the small town (population 4,000) of Waverly, Tennessee, 75 miles west of Nashville.  He was born in 1913, as the oldest of five children, and his father was the mayor of Waverly.  Bowen earned his bachelor’s degree in 1934 at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville, and his MD in 1937 at the medical school of the University of Tennessee in Memphis.  He trained at the Menninger Foundation in Topeka, Kansas, as a fellow in psychiatry and personal psychoanalysis, from 1946 until 1954.

From 1954 to 1959, Bowen worked at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), in Bethesda, Maryland.  There he continued to develop the theory, based in systemic therapy, which viewed the family as an emotional unit, later known as Bowen Theory.  At that time, family therapy was relatively new in the field of human services.  Since the inception of
Bowen Theory, it has been applied in many fields of human services, and many other therapists, such as Harriet Lerner, Ph.D, have elaborated on his concepts.

In Murray Bowen’s book, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, there is a chapter entitled “Toward the Differentiation of Self in One’s Family of Origin.”  Bowen writes, “The one most important goal of family systems therapy is to help family members toward a better level of ‘differentiation of self.’  The theory was developed from family research that focused on the entire nuclear family unit.  The theoretical concepts describe the range of ways family members are emotionally ‘stuck to’ each other, and the ways this ‘stuck-togetherness’ continues to operate in the background, no matter how much people deny it or how much they pretend to be separate from the others.” (p. 529)

In this chapter, delivered at a national conference in March, 1967, Bowen described his own efforts “toward differentiating myself in my own family of origin.  For some twelve years I had been working in a trial and error effort, with knowledge about family emotional process gained from family research.  My focus had been on the primary triangle with my parents and myself.  Each effort to extricate myself emotionally had always been blocked by the other interlocking triangles in the family of origin.  Finally, with knowledge about the functioning of interlocking triangles, I was able to get a surprising breakthrough in the effort with my parents…There was also a new emphasis in teaching sessions on ‘person to person’ relationships, the ability to see one’s own family more as people than as emotionally endowed images, the ability to observe one’s self in triangles, and ways to ‘detriangle’ one’s self. (pp. 530-531)

Bowen’s strategy with his family of origin, prior to his next visit home to Waverly, was to spend several years developing one to one personal relationships with each of his family members. Having done this, he describes in his next visit home how he was able for the very first time to “hold onto himself” and not get sucked into what he calls “the family ego mass.”  Bowen then taught this approach to other therapists he was supervising: “Trainees are encouraged to work toward ‘person to person’ relationships in their families.  In broad terms, a person to person relationship is one in which two people can relate personally to each other about each other, without talking about others (triangling), and without talking about interpersonal ‘things.’”

Bowen continues, “On a more practical level, a person to person relationship is between two fairly differentiated people who can communicate directly, with mature respect for each other…As a beginning effort, I have suggested to people, ‘If you can get a person to person relationship with each living person in your extended family, it will help you ‘grow up’ more than anything else you could ever do in life’…It is far better if people go alone to visit their families.  A differentiating effort is one that takes place in one self in relation to each other self.” (p. 540-541)

Bowen suggests the importance of “Becoming a better observer and controlling one’s own emotional reactiveness.”  He elaborates, “These two assignments are so interlinked that they are presented together.  The effort to become a better observer and to learn more about the family reduces the emotional reactivity, and this in turn helps one become a better observer.  This is one of the most profitable efforts one can make…It enables the observer to get ‘beyond blaming’ and ‘beyond anger’ to a level of objectivity that if far more than an intellectual exercise.”

“The family gains as one member is able to relate more freely without taking sides and becoming entangled in the family emotional system…The person who acquires a little ability at becoming an observer, and at controlling some of his emotional reactiveness, acquires an ability that is useful for life in all kinds of emotional snarls…The overall goal is to be constantly in contact with an emotional issue involving two other people and self, without taking sides, without counterattacking or defending self, and to always have a neutral response.” (pp. 540-541)

Dr. Kyne, who was quoted at the beginning of this article, writes, “All members of the human family could be placed on a continuum of self-differentiation.  Imagine a scale from zero to one hundred, with one hundred being totally self-differentiated and zero being no differentiation.  Where one falls on the scale is determined in large part by where our parents, their parents, etc., were on the scale, with various children in each generation being slightly more or less differentiated than their parents and tending to marry individuals with similar ranges…Typically, people from widely separate ranges on this scale will simply feel no “chemistry’ for one another.” (p. 1)

Dr. Kyne continues: “A hypothetical couple at 100 on the scale would have their relationship marked by infinite elasticity.  Each could move toward or away from each other in separate and independent movements.  If the husband said he was going to the movies, his wife would not be insulted if she were not invited.  In fact, she could state, ‘I would like to go along,’ and he could respond with a yes or no and still no one would take things personally.  Or, if he asked her to go along she could feel free to say no and he could still go.  One or the other might be disappointed by a particular outcome but the disappointment would not involve taking anything personally.  They are affected by each other but do not feel controlled, nor are their responses determined by, the other.  There would be a maximum of ‘I’ statements defining personal position on issues rather than blaming ‘you’ statements that hold the other responsible for their own condition or destiny.” (p. 2)

“At the opposite end of the scale (to which we are all closer) is a couple in relationship to one another as though they were fused to opposite ends of a steel rod.  Whatever one does automatically moves the other.  They cannot tolerate any ‘moving apart’ or separate motion without feeling like that which ties them together is going to break…Just imagine it: if there’s a steel rod attaching two people they can’t move any farther apart nor can they move any closer together”

“For the couple fused by the steel rod, there is no thinking of self, only we and us and the blaming you.  The nature of their relationship might appear on the outside to be closer that the previous couple’s.  They might appear to be together but they are really stuck together.  They will wind up either perpetually in conflict because they are so reactive to one another, or they will have a homey togetherness achieved through the total sacrifice of their own selves.” (p. 3)

Dr. Kyne adds: “Given a couple somewhere in the middle on the continuum of self-differentiation: sooner or later a lifestyle change, personal or family crisis, or threat of some kind will occur that will initiate one of the partners trying to move up the scale—trying to achieve more of a sense of self-directedness and/or personal aliveness in his or her life.  Often this individual will feel as though he or she simply wants to break free from a sense of their life as ‘in reaction’ to someone or something else, perhaps a parent, a partner, an institution.”

“It could be either partner that tried to move upwards towards more self-differentiation.  The result will always be the same: if one tries to move up it is predictable that the other will respond with a compensatory move downward, usually in seductive or sabotaging ways, to rebalance the couple at the old level of differentiation.  It’s VERY IMPORTANT to see that this is the response of a temporarily undifferentiated member of the relationship acting as a voice for the ‘Old Relationship’” (pp. 3-4)

“One way to see it is to consider that standing behind the reactive partner is his or her whole family of origin, two or three generations’ worth, pulling them away from change, away from their own growth, and away from a more differentiated, intimate way of being in relationship…In a sense, relationship therapy can be thought of or defined as helping couples move consciously, carefully, and successfully up the scale of self-differentiation.  The further we are up this scale, the better we can play our role in relationships with integrity, distinctiveness, and a sense of the importance of our individual contribution.  Relationships become inherently more rewarding.” (p. 4)

As mentioned above, one well-known psychologist who has done a great deal to elaborate on Murray Bowen’s differentiation theory is Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.  She is also associated with the Menninger Foundation, where Bowen trained.  Lerner’s books include The Dance of Intimac, The Dance of Anger, and more recently Marriage Rules.  In The Dance of Intimacy she writes about the process whereby one individual stakes out a new position in the family system.  She describes how the family system puts pressure on this individual to “switch back’ to his/her former way of operating.  However, if this individual can withstand this pressure and not give in, then gradually the system will have to accommodate to his/her new position.

Many people react negatively to the idea of an “ultimatum.”  Lerner suggests a similar but more palatable concept of “bottom line position.”  In Marriage Rules she describes how a self-differentiated person might operate in a marital relationship.  She writes,

“Rather, a bottom-line evolves from a focus on the self, from a deeply felt awareness of what one is entitled to, how much one can do and give, and the limits of one’s tolerance.  One clarifies a bottom line not to change or control one’s partner (although the wish, of course, is there) but rather to preserve the dignity, integrity, and well-being of the self.  A bottom line is about the ‘I’: ‘This is what I think.’  ‘This is what I feel.’  ‘These are the things I can and cannot do.’” (p. 182)

Lerner elaborates, “There is no ‘correct’ bottom line that fits us all.  While there’s no shortage of advice out there, neither your best friend nor your therapist can know the ‘right’ amount of giving, doing, or putting-up-with in your relationship, and what new position you are ready to take on your own behalf.  The rules in this chapter cover a range of ‘bottom lines,’ from those that come up in the dailiness of coupledom (‘You have to clean the kitchen’) to voicing the ultimate (‘If these things don’t change, I don’t think I can stay in this relationship’).  Consider each rule carefully, as you work to define a strong ‘I’ within the ‘we’ of your marriage.  This challenge is at the very heart of having both a relationship and a self.” (p. 182)

As stated above by Dr. Kyne, “Relationship therapy can be thought of or defined as helping couples move consciously, carefully, and successfully up the scale of self-differentiation.”

Steps each of us can take to improve our own level of self-differentiation include: 1) Practice self-acceptance and a genuine appreciation for your own personality; 2) Be willing to express your thoughts and feelings honestly and openly; 3) Work towards achieving your own goals and honoring your values; and 4) Be willing to tolerate the short-term discomfort of potential conflict for the sake of long-term growth and connection.