By Philip Chanin, Ed.D., ABPP, CGP
Board Certified Clinical Psychologist
Assistant Clinical Professor, Department of Psychiatry
Vanderbilt University Medical Center
www.drphilchanin.com
philchanin@gmail.com

“The charity of the Desert Fathers is not set before us in unconvincing effusions.  The full magnitude of the task of loving others is recognized everywhere and never minimized.  It is hard to love others if love is to be taken in the full sense of the word.  Love demands a complete inner transformation—for without this we cannot possibly come to identify ourselves with our (partner).  We have to become, in some sense, the person we love.  And this involves a kind of death of our own being, our own self.  No matter how hard we try, we resist this death: we fight back with anger, with recriminations, with demands, with ultimatums.  We seek any convenient excuse to break off and give up the difficult task.”  (The Wisdom of the Desert by Thomas Merton, pp. 18-19)

In working with individual patients and with couples, I have often shared these profound words from the Trappist Monk Thomas Merton, who lived in silence for some 30 years at The
Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, Kentucky.  This quote is from his introduction to the words of the Desert Fathers, who lived in caves in Palestine in the 4^th century, AD.  So then what are some of the essential tools that we all need to master to have a long term, successful relationship?  Here are some of those tools:

1)Develop and practice an Internal Boundary in order to not take things personally: In How Can I Get Through to You?, Terry Real explains an extremely effective strategy for not taking what my partner says or does personally.  This strategy involves developing an “internal boundary,” which Real describes as a kind of “internal technology.”  Real states, “Over the years, I have found that this one skill of defining boundaries, all on its own, particularly when practiced by both partners, can radically transform a relationship.”

The internal boundary is an invisible shield that I psychically construct that protects me from anything that my partner says or does that may invoke my anger or defensive reactions.  With an internal boundary in place, Real proposes, “the nastiest comment, the most raw feeling—an emotional atom bomb could go off and you would remain unfazed.  Inside your circle you can afford to be open, spacious, curious, relaxed.”

Real elaborates: “The important thing to remember about practicing an internal boundary is precisely that it is a practice, similar to getting physically fit…Although it takes months, even years, of slow, steady effort before an internal boundary becomes consistent, most people experience an exhilarating glimpse of its effects within a few weeks.”

“The lack of an internal boundary inevitably leads to control or withdrawal.  If there is no membrane between you and whatever external stimulus gets thrown at you, then you attempt to regulate your own level of comfort or discomfort by managing the stimulus.  (‘I could be happy, if only you were less angry.’).  When control fails, the only other option is withdrawal.”  (pp. 239-241)

2)Learn to renounce and refrain from “shenpa”:  Pema Chodron is one of the world’s most renowned and beloved Buddhist teachers.  She resides at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia—the first Tibetan monastery for Westerners.  She is an extraordinary teacher about thorny interpersonal problems like anger.  She was written many books and her recorded talks are available in such CD sets as Don’t Bite the Hook and Getting Unstuck.  She writes, “Someone criticizes you.  They criticize your work or your appearance or your child.  At moments like that, what is it you feel?…The Tibetan word for this is shenpa.  It is usually translated “attachment,” but a more descriptive translation might be “hooked.”  When shenpa hooks us, we’re likely to get stuck…At the subtlest level, we feel a tightening, a tensing, a sense of closing down…That’s the hooked quality.  That tight feeling has the power to hook us into self-denigration, blame, anger, jealousy, and other emotions which lead to words and actions that end up poisoning us.”

Pema Chodron continues, “Yet we don’t stop—we can’t stop—because we’re in the habit of associating whatever we’re doing with relief from our own discomfort.  This is the shenpa syndrome…Shenpa is usually involuntary and it gets right to the root of why we suffer…The momentum behind the urge is so strong that we never pull out of the habitual pattern of turning to poison for comfort…Something triggers an old pattern we’d rather not feel, and we tighten up and hook into criticizing or complaining…working with habitual patterns begins with the willingness to fully acknowledge our urge, and then the willingness not to act on it.  This business of not acting is called refraining.  Traditionally it’s called renunciation.  We renounce and refrain from the shenpa…(Meditation) teaches us to experience the uneasiness and the urge fully, and to interrupt the momentum that usually follows…We learn to stay with the uneasiness, the tightening, the itch of shenpa…This is how we learn to stop the chain reaction of habitual patterns that otherwise will rule our lives.”

3)Recognize the destructive and long-lasting impact of your anger and rage:  In her recorded 3 CD set on anger entitled Don’t Bite the Hook, Pema Chodron gives a Dharma talk based on a lecture by the 8^th century Indian monk Shanti Deva, who states, “Good works gathered in a thousand ages, such as deeds of generosity or offerings to the blissful ones—a single flash of anger shatters them.”

In her commentary, Pema Chodron says, “It causes so much damage to us.  Your temper erupts violently and you are either verbally or physically abusive.  It shocks our system so deeply—it shatters a lot of good will—it can take a long time to get back to where you were.  A single blast of anger shatters the good you have done.”  It’s not going too far to say that a single episode of anger may destroy a lifetime of good will and permanently damage a marital relationship.

4)Don’t take personally what my partner says when they are in their “Wounded Self”: The author David Celani, in his books The Illusion of Love and Leaving Home, develops the concept of the “wounded self.”  In all of us, our wounded self is the repository of all the negative and painful and hurtful experiences of our lives.  Thus, what lives in the wounded self are the feelings of anger, hurt, shame, humiliation, and resentment.  When a couple begins fighting, the wounded self of one or both partners in very quickly triggered.  At this point, one is in an altered state, not in the rational cerebral cortex part of one’s brain.  In this altered state, a partner says such things as “I hate you, screw you, I want a divorce!”  Too often partners take personally what their partner is saying in this altered state.  This is the time when it’s absolutely critical to utilize one’s “internal boundary” so as not to take to heart what one’s partner is saying and then ruminate about it for hours or days.

5)Let go of “needing to be right”:  In his book The New Rules of Marriage, Terry Real describes “needing to be right” as the foremost “losing strategy” in marriage.  Describing the conflict between one couple, Real writes, “They each feel the need to be right, marshalling their evidence and arguing their case, two lawyers before the court…Like many couples, they try to resolve their differences by eradicating them.  Faced with contrasting views…the way to end the argument, they think, is to determine which version is the more accurate.  They are in an objectivity battle…Instead of being a battle for the relationship, it is a constant war about who is right and who is wrong.”  (pp. 38-39)

In what may sound like a radical proposition, Real goes on to write, “Objective reality has no place in close personal relationships…From a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question ‘Who’s right and who’s wrong is ‘Who cares?’…You can be right or you can be married.  What’s more important to you?”  (p. 40).

John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, takes the same stand.  Gottman writes, “Another important lesson I have learned is that in all arguments, both solvable and perpetual, no one is ever right.  There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective realities.” (p. 150).  In The Sayings of Sengstan, The 3^rd Zen Patriarch, is the phrase “…only cease to cherish opinions.”   Notice that he doesn’t say to not have opinions, but instead to not cherish them!

6)Metabolize resentments.  Much heartache in marriage results from one or both partners brooding endlessly over resentments from the past, and as a result chronically feeling hurt or used or taken advantage of.  These resentments create emotional distance and and an ongoing vulnerability to being triggered into anger or antagonism.  John Gottman writes that happily married couples “communicate their fundamental fondness and respect.  Whatever issue they are discussing, they give each other the message that they love and respect each other, ‘warts and all.’”

Gottman continues: “When couples are not able to do this, sometimes the problem is that they are unable to forgive each other for past differences.  It’s all too easy to hold a grudge.  For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.”  (pp. 154-155)

7)Recognize that we can only work on ourselves:  Brentwood psychologist Dr. Rick Taran has written, “Relationships are God’s clever 12 step program for self-improvement.”  Dr. Lee Blackwell, in his paper “Understanding Personality Dynamics in Relationships” (2002), writes, “We can only work on ourselves.  When we try to work on others, they resist being controlled, even if it is for their own good.  There seems to be something in human nature that says, ‘I have to feel free to choose.’…Thus it is a waste of time and totally counterproductive for partners to try to change each other.  A better approach is for each to hear criticism as something the other is experiencing, not as something that they are objective about.  When we feel free to decide what to work on in ourselves, we will be much more diligent and sincere in our efforts.”

John Gottman has expressed very similar ideas.  Gottman writes, “The basis for coping effectively with (problems) is the same:  communicating basic acceptance of your partner’s personality.  Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you…It’s just a fact that people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are.  When people feel criticized, disliked, and underappreciated, they are unable to change.  Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.” (p. 149)