By Philip Chanin, Ed.D, ABPP, CGP
Board Certified Clinical Psychologist
Assistant Clinical Professor, Department of Psychiatry
Vanderbilt University Medical Center
www.drphilchanin.com
philchanin@gmail.com

“Because the controller builds himself up at the expense of others, no one can remain in a relationship with him without giving up important parts of the self…First you may give up certain activities or interests; then you find that you’re giving up your opinions, your wishes, your ambitions, your anger, your voice, your pride, your happiness. Nevertheless, there is a difference between supporting a partner who also supports you and losing yourself to a partner who inflates himself at your expense.

In thinking about your relationship, you may want to apply this test. Ask yourself: Am I the whole person I used to be? Am I as expansive as the person I wanted to become? Or have I lost bits and pieces of myself without meaning to? Am I withering away? In this relationship, who takes up the emotional and physical space? Does he make himself bigger by making me smaller? Do I make him feel bigger by making myself smaller? If you feel yourself shrinking, you’re probably in a relationship with a controller.” (p. 16)

Thirty-four years ago, in July, 1992, shortly after I began my psychotherapy practice in Nashville, I began therapy with an intelligent, educated patient who was being controlled, emotionally abused, and on occasion was being battered by her husband. Several years into the therapy work with her, she suggested that I read the book When Love Goes Wrong: Strategies for Women with Controlling Partners. After reading it, I also began to think about my other female patients, and realized that of the sixteen adult women in my practice, every single one has been in the past, or was now with, a controlling, narcissistic male partner.

Many of these women felt socially isolated and without adequate support as they struggled in their individual therapeutic journeys. I decided to offer a therapy group for women who were partners or ex-partners of controlling men, beginning in September, 1994. During the next two years of leading and co-leading this group, I learned more about the enormous task it is for the partner of a narcissist to develop a reliable self and to reach out for and utilize peer support.

I used excerpts from this book in designing a flyer for the group. Here are some of those excerpts: “What is a controller? A controller can be charming. He is also likely to be self-centered, moody, manipulative, possessive, critical, withdrawn, demanding, intimidating, unpredictable, domineering, unreasonable, immature, angry, temperamental, explosive, and insistent upon always getting his own way.”

“A man who is a controller puts responsibility on his partner for problems in the relationship. He ‘works on’ the relationship by telling his partner what is wrong with her. After hearing her ‘faults’ listed time and again, she may now believe that there is something very wrong with her.”

“If the controlling partner was always ‘bad,’ most women would leave. But most controllers alternate between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behavior. This kind of volatile, inconsistent, on-again-off-again person is the hardest to break away from, because his unpredictability keeps his partners hooked on hope.”

“The partner of a controller usually has two separate views of herself, and two separate views of her partner. Her ‘hopeful self’ only experiences the loving, repentant part of her partner, and her ‘abused self’ only sees the hurtful, bullying part. And these two selves do not talk to each other!”

“One of the main tactics of a controller is to isolate his partner. The more he succeeds in isolating her, the more she becomes dependent on him to maintain her faltering self-esteem. And the more she turns to the controller for support, the more thoroughly her self-esteem is undermined.”

“Control is abusive, and all abusive behavior—all emotional, physical, and sexual abuse—is intended to control. Building a good support system is especially critical for women partners of controllers. The purpose of this therapy group is to rebuild damaged self-esteem, to establish a community with other women who’ve shared similar experiences, and to provide a ‘reality check’—where the ‘hopeful self’ and the ‘abused self’ are communicating with each other. As one woman group member said, ‘I’d watch their faces, and know I was kidding myself again.’”

The book’s authors describe the decision-making process of women in these relationships: “Most women carefully and slowly make their decisions—who among us gives up a relationship without one last try? But when women look back on relationships they left, many conclude that they stayed too long or returned once too often. At the time, of course, they thought they were doing the best thing; but now they see their decisions and their actions differently.
(Incidentally, we’ve never met a woman who said she left a relationship with a controller too soon.). We asked women what held them in their relationships too long, and they gave us many different answers. Besides financial considerations, five items came up again and again.”
Here are those five items: (p. 153)

Waiting for the Outcome of Counseling

“As we’ve seen, almost every woman in a relationship with a controller hopes her partner will change. As long as this hope remains alive, she may stay with her partner, or if she leaves, she may consider going back…Unfortunately, many men enter counseling not to change, but for just that reason—to persuade a woman to take them back.”

“The fact that he’s in counseling is no reason to put your life on hold. In fact, making changes of your own is one way to measure his ability to accept change and give up control of you. Keep in mind that even if your partner changes for the better, he still may not change enough. Like so many women, you may find that you’ve gone back too soon or once too often unless you concentrate on what you want.” (pp. 154-155)

Abiding by Religious Beliefs or Cultural Concerns

“For many women religion plays a big part in their decision to stay too long with a controlling partner…Many feminists have pointed out that all the world’s most powerful religions were developed by men and are still headed by men, so we shouldn’t be surprised if they seem to support men’s interests at women’s expense.”

“Virtually all modern religions are patriarchal; that is, they honor a male god on high, and male persons on earth. Consequently, any devout woman, no matter what her particular faith, may find herself torn between the teachings of her religion on the one hand, and her own safety and freedom on the other…many women are pressured by the traditions, beliefs, and values of their religious or cultural group to remain too long in abusive marriages.”

“For such women, to ‘fail’ in marriage seems like a betrayal of their religious beliefs as well as the traditions and hopes of their community, all at once. It requires courage for a woman is such circumstances to end a marriage…Each woman must make her own decision about staying, returning, or leaving. But if you are a woman of strong religious beliefs or strong loyalty to your own cultural group, we suggest that you think first of your duty to safeguard yourself and your children.” (pp. 155-158)

For the Sake of the Children

“We are led to believe that children are harmed when their homes are ‘broken.’ We’re told that every little boy needs his father as a male role model, and every little girl mush have her daddy too. Consequently, many women feel that their children will be damaged beyond repair if the parents’ relationship breaks up, no matter how bad that relationship is. Many women whose own parents divorced vow never to put their children in similar circumstances.”

“Even if you think your husband is a good father and provider, if you are living in a controlling relationship, the chances are that your children know it and are affected by it…If your husband or partner is not the father of your children, they may be at even greater risk. Studies show that children are more likely to be abused by a stepfather or mother’s boyfriend than by their natural father. Even when a woman comes to believe that her children are suffering emotionally or physically, however, she may have to think twice about leaving. If her husband has greater resource than she has—resources like money and access to lawyers—she may be afraid that he will fight for and gain custody of the children.”

“Only you can judge what is best for your children, but that means facing up to hard facts. That’s not easy. Maralee says, ‘I was in so much pain that I couldn’t see that my kids were in pain too. I didn’t want to see it. I felt so guilty. I thought that it was my fault that they were in that situation. If I recognized their pain, it would be like saying I was a bad mother.”
(pp. 158-159)

The Threat of Suicide

“Maralee stayed with her husband because she feared he would carry out his threats to harm himself…A great many controlling partners threaten to kill themselves if you leave, or if you do not behave as they want you to. Threatening suicide is an extremely common tactic of control, and it is often no more than that—a manipulative technique designed to keep you worrying about your partner and doing whatever he wants.”

“On the other hand, some suicide threats are sincere. Men say they will kill themselves and they do, particularly just when their wives or girlfriends are leaving, or soon after. Fairly often, suicidal men kill their partners just before they kill themselves, and sometimes they run amok, killing the children, other family members, or bystanders as well. Unfortunately, it is not easy to distinguish a real threat from a manipulative one.”

“If your partner threatens suicide and you are uncertain whether he means it, take the threat seriously. You may be mistaken, but it is better to be too cautious than not cautious enough. You should consider him a real danger to himself and others…If he threatens suicide when you talk about leaving or if he makes a suicide attempt before or after you leave, he needs professional help.”

“You cannot prevent his suicide by staying. As NiCarthy observes, ‘It is beyond any reasonable expectation to risk your sanity or life for him.’ He has to take care of himself. Your task is to make safety plans to protect yourself and your children…Again, your first duty is to yourself.”
(pp. 159-160)

The Threat of Homicide

“While many controlling men threaten to kill themselves, a great many more threaten to kill their partners, their children, or others. Just as controllers often use hollow threats of suicide to manipulate women, they may also use hollow threats of homicide, with no intention of carrying them out. On the other hand, threats to kill may be perfectly sincere…a controller is most likely to try to kill his partner when he thinks she is leaving or slipping out of his control. In the United States, at least 2,000 men every year make good on the threat to kill a partner, and countless others inflict serious injuries in the attempt. The danger to women and children is real and must always be taken seriously.”

“Many women take murder threats so seriously that they feel trapped by fear. When a controller intensifies that fear with emotional abuse and physical violence, a woman may find it almost impossible to think straight…If you are involved with an abusive and dangerous person, you must eventually get away from him. But getting free will probably not be easy—particularly because he’s likely to become more dangerous when you try to leave.”

“When you are living in such danger, it is extremely important that you talk over your situation confidentially with a knowledgeable person who can help you plan for your future. It is doubly important to do so if your circumstances make it hard to think clearly and to make decisions. An advocate for abused women can’t work miracles, but because she deals with similar situations all the time, there’s a good chance she can suggest options you may have overlooked and resources you didn’t know about.”

“In addition, talking confidentially with a knowledgeable person gives you time and space to think for yourself about your options, a luxury you probably don’t have when your partner is around. Safety for you and your children must be your first consideration. And this is where fear can be your best friend. If you are scared, you are scared for a good reason. Listening to your own fears and acting on the warning signals you pick up may save your life.” (pp. 160-162)

Conclusion

I will conclude this review with wise words from author Terry Real, from his book The New Rules of Marriage, regarding the profoundly difficult decision of whether to stay or leave a marriage when children are involved:

Real addresses the most profound question for troubled couples: “What’s best for your children?” He writes, “We are living in very conservative times, and a lot of emphasis has been put on preserving families at all cost. That’s simply unreasonable. Yes, children are damaged
by divorce. There’s no question about that. The real question is, how damaged are they by staying in miserable homes?…As bad as divorce is, a child would be better off without the exposure to yelling and fighting and a blatantly disturbed environment. Few people argue that point.”

“So now the question ratchets down to this: How damaged do children get in homes with a miserable marriage that is more contained? Many would argue that children are better off in such environments than with divorced parents. As a family therapist, I must say that I’m skeptical…It’s not at all clear to me that the so-called contained or hidden misery in nonexplosive marriages is really as hidden as we might like to think.” (pp. 268-269)

Real continues, “Even if you were to convince me that children in such homes were less damaged in general, I will nevertheless guarantee you that they will sustain considerable damage when it comes to having healthy relationships of their own in the future. Almost every troubled relationship I have ever worked with was a replay of some aspect of the troubled relationship each partner grew up with…Even if it were proven somehow that children are more damaged through divorce than through remaining in homes with unhappy marriages, it is not at all clear to me that the moral imperative is for adults to sacrifice living healthy lives for the sake of their children. I have helped unhappy couples break up; I also have helped them stay together precisely for the sake of the children.” (pp. 269-270)

Real concludes, “In extreme circumstances, the choice seems clear. In less blatant situations I mistrust anyone, frankly, who claims to be able to tell you what’s best for your children, or for either of you for that matter. You must decide. Think long and hard; talk it out with those you trust, and listen to what you feel. In the end, most of the people I’ve encountered over the years who have been through this decision rarely speak about what they should have done, one way or the other. They speak about what they felt they had to do.” (p. 270)

Next Real asks, “When should you pull the plug?” He writes, “It serves no one’s interests to preserve endlessly toxic interactions. Addicts and abusive partners can be helped, and the first step should always be an ultimatum: Get treatment or else! But if someone simply refuses, or if he won’t allow his treatment to be effective, I don’t think there’s much choice. I firmly believe that any two partners who love each other and who are willing to do the work can transform even a terrible relationship into a good one, and even into a great one over time. Once both partners are at the table in good faith, anything can be worked out. The one thing that cannot be worked out, however, is getting both partners to the table. They have to take their places themselves. That doesn’t mean that pressure can’t be exerted. On the contrary, it absolutely should, and depending on how bad things are, as much pressure as is reasonably possible.” (pp. 270-271)